accusation
Today a friend texted and got mad at me for neglecting her. So mad that, I hope, she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I don't deal well with drama, in between resigning to painful fate, work frustrations, trying to make my parents happy, the whole getting out of the country thing, I hinted if that's the way she feels then so be it.
Admittedly, I have been bad, I haven't been contacting her much at all, frustrations of life takes up so much of my time and thinking makes my head spin. I guess I am just tired of high maintenance people, the only ones I deal with the neediness, are my parents and people extremely close to me.
Tonight I told her that I have been busy and that I haven't really been sleeping well at all, the emotional journey has been overwhelming and I guess I am grouchy from exhaustion. I even went as far as listing out what I was busy with. I don't have the energy to entertain her, or anyone else who drains my energy for that matter. Then she got mad at me.
Oh well. Fucking High Maintenance, that's what it is and I really don't have the time or the inclination to deal with it. She'll come around, but who knows where I'll be?
so what is one thing i've learned today?
more like, what is the one thing i learned throughout life... and that is, i need to be ruthless when it comes to cutting people out of my life. unnecessary people, people who do not contribute, people who do not love, people who leave me with nothing but bad taste in my mouth, people who can't open their mouths without something negative coming out of their mouths first, people who are unworthy of my precious time, people who cannot see beyond themselves.
the reason for this ruthlessness, this coldheartedness? it's because i was reminded that life is too short to live according to propriety and so-called norms, and that my happiness matters more than the happiness of those who only know what it means to take without giving back. because the heart cannot be immune all the time to the accumulation of abuses it will face over its lifetime, and because laughter & love & goodness are in such short supply -- so why bother myself with those who only want to give me something else?
i can see better through the wall of deception. i can see thru the cracks, i can read between the lines. please don't think you can so easily fool me. if you think me that naive, you belong in that other group. i hardly knew you, as you did not know me at all.
my love. it cannot be wasted on worthless trash. that is what i learned.
Admittedly, I have been bad, I haven't been contacting her much at all, frustrations of life takes up so much of my time and thinking makes my head spin. I guess I am just tired of high maintenance people, the only ones I deal with the neediness, are my parents and people extremely close to me.
Tonight I told her that I have been busy and that I haven't really been sleeping well at all, the emotional journey has been overwhelming and I guess I am grouchy from exhaustion. I even went as far as listing out what I was busy with. I don't have the energy to entertain her, or anyone else who drains my energy for that matter. Then she got mad at me.
Oh well. Fucking High Maintenance, that's what it is and I really don't have the time or the inclination to deal with it. She'll come around, but who knows where I'll be?
so what is one thing i've learned today?
more like, what is the one thing i learned throughout life... and that is, i need to be ruthless when it comes to cutting people out of my life. unnecessary people, people who do not contribute, people who do not love, people who leave me with nothing but bad taste in my mouth, people who can't open their mouths without something negative coming out of their mouths first, people who are unworthy of my precious time, people who cannot see beyond themselves.
the reason for this ruthlessness, this coldheartedness? it's because i was reminded that life is too short to live according to propriety and so-called norms, and that my happiness matters more than the happiness of those who only know what it means to take without giving back. because the heart cannot be immune all the time to the accumulation of abuses it will face over its lifetime, and because laughter & love & goodness are in such short supply -- so why bother myself with those who only want to give me something else?
i can see better through the wall of deception. i can see thru the cracks, i can read between the lines. please don't think you can so easily fool me. if you think me that naive, you belong in that other group. i hardly knew you, as you did not know me at all.
my love. it cannot be wasted on worthless trash. that is what i learned.
