dandelion
It's from the cracks that light gets in...
I am feeling all dandelion-ish. That is my way of saying, I feel like my whole life is “up-in the air”. Sort of. And that in Buddhist terms, from a certain perspective, is the correct state to be in apparently. Having nothing to attach you to the wordly. But the insecurity of it all, when not paralyzing me with fear, leaving me with an urge to run and nest somewhere, is causing me anxiety. All of them thoughts chimerical, unsubstantiated, meaningless! And yet, from sheer habit, I can’t help the myriad, jaundiced ruminations, so detrimental to my peace of mind. And it wont let me let go. I have issues. :D I grasp. Hopefully, once I am where I ought to be, it will fade away into non-existence, just as all things created by one’s own mind is empty of existence except in relation to the person thinking it.
This is one of them moments where I count my blessings. It is mystifying that, that, which I vehemently tried to run from: my parents, have, instead, become the centrifugal force propelling me to take the tiny steps I am taking into my “great unknown”. My parents’ fear for my future, my security, and yet their faith in destiny, which I imagine I feel from even oceans across almost as palpations (if I close my eyes and give my imagination free reign), is actually giving me the courage to not fear the emptiness or the insecurity of not knowing what that “tomorrow” may bring.
What I realize now, is what I once thought of as cloying, claustrophobic: the constant worry my mother expressed in so many ways, from everything, no matter how minuscule; I am now grateful for. I imagine it is like that fragile root still grounding me, where I imagine I can return to burrow and get rooted, should my life of a vagabond, or my limited freedom no longer appeal to me.
And thus, without trying to divulge directly the route my life is now taking (for fear, among other things that I might jinx it, as I have the tendency to do anything that I have ever shared in public before it came to pass),I feel I have revealed more through this post.
I am feeling all dandelion-ish. That is my way of saying, I feel like my whole life is “up-in the air”. Sort of. And that in Buddhist terms, from a certain perspective, is the correct state to be in apparently. Having nothing to attach you to the wordly. But the insecurity of it all, when not paralyzing me with fear, leaving me with an urge to run and nest somewhere, is causing me anxiety. All of them thoughts chimerical, unsubstantiated, meaningless! And yet, from sheer habit, I can’t help the myriad, jaundiced ruminations, so detrimental to my peace of mind. And it wont let me let go. I have issues. :D I grasp. Hopefully, once I am where I ought to be, it will fade away into non-existence, just as all things created by one’s own mind is empty of existence except in relation to the person thinking it.
This is one of them moments where I count my blessings. It is mystifying that, that, which I vehemently tried to run from: my parents, have, instead, become the centrifugal force propelling me to take the tiny steps I am taking into my “great unknown”. My parents’ fear for my future, my security, and yet their faith in destiny, which I imagine I feel from even oceans across almost as palpations (if I close my eyes and give my imagination free reign), is actually giving me the courage to not fear the emptiness or the insecurity of not knowing what that “tomorrow” may bring.
What I realize now, is what I once thought of as cloying, claustrophobic: the constant worry my mother expressed in so many ways, from everything, no matter how minuscule; I am now grateful for. I imagine it is like that fragile root still grounding me, where I imagine I can return to burrow and get rooted, should my life of a vagabond, or my limited freedom no longer appeal to me.
And thus, without trying to divulge directly the route my life is now taking (for fear, among other things that I might jinx it, as I have the tendency to do anything that I have ever shared in public before it came to pass),I feel I have revealed more through this post.
